Getting Real

Sometimes I just FEEL too much to write anything at all. Like, maybe a list of feelings would work better than paragraph-form therapeutic writing it all out. But here I am, and I need to write it all and get it out.

Life really hands us ups and downs, doesn't it? There are so many joys here, but so many tricky little obstacles and big obstacles to maneuver as we head down this path called life.

I started writing a bit on Monday and Tuesday when I got news of the tornado tragedies, but it seemed I couldn't write or FEEL any more than I already have when I wrote about the other tragedies this year (here and here). It's not because my heart wasn't equally broken or because I hadn't any empathy left; rather, it was because my heart was too full to truly articulate anything at all. Those dear, sweet people of Oklahoma. I can only pray for them as they look for hope in the tragedy. 

The thing is: I've felt tragedy before. Different in most ways, but the same in some. My brother died when he was 16, I was 14 and it was after three years of battling cancer. It felt so big. It felt like the whole world crumbled with it. Then the weeks kept going and people weren't talking about it anymore. A year, two years, more... it still felt so big to me. It still feels so big... it's a loss that cannot be recovered. He was my best friend and confidant. And then he was gone. But life kept moving. It keeps moving.  

When tragedy comes to people like it has in bulk this year, I just FEEL so much for those families. The emotions they have to tread through and the loneliness of feeling that everyone has moved past it all except you. 

Here's the thing: writing 16 years after my brother died, I can tell you. You are not alone in the heartbreak of tragedy like you may believe you are. People will move on from talking about it, donating toward it, creating news stories around it, but you can be assured that you are together in thinking about it. And together in feeling it whenever any similar story comes into your path. And tearing up because someone has just freshly experienced loss that rocks their whole world and now they will have to experience the heartbreak as well. 

I'm so grateful for HOPE in painful times. It's knowing heaven is real and really having faith that kept me going, and here I am now: at a place in life where I know joy, yet comprehend the pain of tragedy. 

For some reason, I clicked on this video this week- I don't usually, and it contributed to rocking my world of emotions. Similar ages, same type of cancer, different family, and the same- but different- pain... 

More "normal" post coming your way soon, but it seemed I needed to get this out before I wrote any more about the "ups" of the week. And there were plenty of great "ups" this week, believe me. ;)

xo, 

Kate

SF Loving: Ballpark

You know how some days, you expect to be good, and then they're way better than you even expected and you didn't know that was possible?

Sophie has been requesting for weeks to get to go to a Giant's baseball game. She watches games in the evenings with her daddy, and asks lots of questions about baseball to be sure that she can stall her bedtime. 

We rode in a bus the other day, and the bus driver was a fast driver (for a bus driver), so when we disembarked, she said "oh mommy, that bus driver drove really fast. I guess it's because he's wearing a Giant's hat." We're teaching her exactly right. She's been thinking about the Giants every day since the season started.

​we maybe should have given the camera to someone who realized we wanted to actually BE in the shot. :) you can see maggie's hand at least.

So it happened. Finally. This weekend, we went to a Giant's game. It was every bit as wonderful as expected, and more.  Warm weather, all the right smells and snacks to go with the experience. What we didn't expect is for Maggie to enjoy herself quite as much as she did. She giggled and squealed as we walked up the ramp to our seats. We somehow got last-minute seats right at the foul pole, so we got to take a picture with Lou Seal, the mascot, and Maggie gave him a high five and gazed at him and touched his whiskers. She also clapped on cue for the first inning. That was it.. she fell asleep in her stroller right after, but it was something. 

There's something about the ballpark that is magic for little kids. We ate at Tres before the game, so we didn't even get the hot dogs and garlic fries, but the whole experience was just the way it should be. AT&T park is hands-down the most gorgeous park ever, and has a whole section in the back devoted to the little Giant's fans, and this was our first time ever taking advantage of it.

Sophie slid down the coke bottle, and then entered the children's ballpark. Kids line up on the bench to hit the ball. Sophie got up to the plate, showed the pitcher her swing, then came the pitch... first pitch and a hit. Her whole face was beaming and she ran the bases as fast as she could and ran directly into her daddy's arms. They hugged like she had just won the world series. One of those moments you want to never, ever, ever forget. Totally melted my heart. And I got a good picture. 

We celebrated with Ghiradelli ice cream. As it should be. 

Also, the Giants won. As it should be. 

Dear Weekend

Dear Weekend, oh blissful, beautiful weekend...

I miss you already. I'm still full from the Korean feast we ate Saturday, and still appreciating friends, laughs, and the date downtown walking around with my favorite person in the world. Today I'll spend building block castles and imagining we're pirates and being sleepy and grateful...

and drinking extra coffee.

Oh, and I might wear my pj's all day. While we do endless chores so that the rest of the week we can spend outside enjoying 70+ degrees.... that forecast makes me SO HAPPY.

XO,

Kate

ps. this ceiling at the top of  Westfield is so crazy beautiful. 

Spring Resolve

I'm someone who finds myself saying "yes" far more than I probably should. You know the type... over-booker, under-planner, a bit on the calmly scattered side of things. Calmly scattered? Yes, you heard me. It's a thing. It's me. When I feel overwhelmed and totally feel like my head is spinning, I get this look of focused calm and start being intensely efficient, but if you look deep into my eyes and ask how things are going, I may just have a meltdown for ya. 

When Brian and I were just Brian and I, we were incredibly social people. We traveled, we spent time with friends, had adventures like crazy, and ate very, very good food. I've always said I like to leave room for the unexpected, so I don't want my calendar to look even remotely full. I'd rather just plan what we want to do based on how we're feeling at the time...  it made for a LOT of good fun:

Fast forward to now. We're still social, but now with kids' excursions added; we still love good food but generally force ourselves to eat what I cook; we still have adventures, but now have two new little (completely adorable) variables to include on our calendars. It means really, we can't be world travelers the way we think we should. And even though my little ones aren't in school yet, we can't be doing everything on a whim and everything last-minute. 

I'm 30 now, so I think it's best to become the responsible "filled calendar" type. That doesn't mean I fill every day, it's more that I need to adjust my technique, you know? And it's time I make definitive yes or no decisions on what's to be done. And say no a bit more, maybe. 

It doesn't make us more busy or less busy, it just makes me no longer scattered. And hey, the trade-off in adventures is so worthwhile because let's be honest: every single day is adventure with kids...

Cheers to almost-April Resolutions!

(who says resolutions are reserved for new years, anyway?)

Smile

Today I really really needed these smiles.

And I got them.

Lucky me. :)

Not About Me

I had a few days this week that inside I just wanted to complain.

I had this little goal the last two weeks of using everything in our fridge and cabinets before going grocery shopping... meaning no waste and no extra dollars spent. It's a good goal, but HARD. One evening I wandered into our kitchen and opened cabinets and closed them and whined a little to myself and then left the kitchen... came back.. same thing... almost called for pizza to be delivered... finally decided to make curry chicken and didn't enjoy a bit of it. I'm being real here, so feel free to judge my bad attitude... I totally deserve it. I also was cranky about the fact that this cough and sore throat feels as though it will never, ever go away and my husband works extremely hard and has long hours...

I think to myself "poor me, I bet all moms can relate to the fact that I don't think I should have to 'play' all day and then cook every evening."

THEN... I get stopped in my tracks.

​I hear that a friend is making a life or death decision about her son's leukemia. I hear from another friend a story about her daughter's autism... and still another friend about a decision they have to make about brain surgery for their daughter's seizures... And I am mortified by my own attitude about my "hardships." Perception really is everything, isn't it?

Here we are in our home with health, toys, warmth, friends, and endless blessings... and I had nothing better to do than complain? Really?

I find this sort of thing happening when I forget to concern myself with helping needs of others. When I start thinking the world revolves around us. When my own preferences take precedence over others'. This weekend we're going to do a little thing as a family to give to others with needs. We already have it planned, and it's not a big thing, but it's a little something. And a lot of little somethings make a big difference. And a mentality of caring for others before ourselves can change lives.

Here's a video of one little example of a single person changing a lot of lives... AMAZING. 

our first Share project. Old Skool Cafe from stillmotion on Vimeo.

​XOXO,

Kate